No One Ever Told Me

When I was 17, I had a vision from God. People may not believe me, but it happened. I was at youth camp, down in the altars, crying because my doctor had told me I would never have kids due to some health issues. My heart broke for the things that hadn't even been a possibility. I didn't even know if I wanted kids, but being told I couldn't took away my choice before I ever had a choice. So I cried. I cried and prayed and cried some more.

A youth worker came over to me and asked if I wanted her to sit with me and through tearful eyes, I started telling her what I had been told. My heart ached at the choice being removed from me. She told me that doctors only tell part of the story but God has the final authority and offered to pray with me. As she hugged me and prayed for me, I was overcome with this intense pressure and I heard a gentle voice telling me that not only would I have children but specifically, I would have a boy and I was to name him "T".

I walked away from youth camp even more confused than before, but hid that message deep into my heart. As the years passed, and I a) did not get married and b) continued to hear from OB-GYNs that my health issues would make pregnancy almost impossible, I wondered if I had actually heard from God. I had doubts and fears and finally resolved within myself that it probably was my overactive imagination acting up.

I met a guy, fell in love, thought he was the one and we ultimately ended things... rinse repeat this cycle for years. I moved 12 hours away from my hometown and settled into a little country church with a spirit filled pastor. His wife asked me once about kids and I shared with her my sob story and then she asked, "but is that the whole story?" and I looked at her, shocked... because seriously. Who else was going to ask if I was telling the complete story about my potential childbearing issues.

I shared with her the vision from almost 10 years prior and she said, "God already told me that about you. I was just waiting to see if you remembered." 

Enter in my shocked pikachu face. Because... seriously?! I told her I didn't even know if it had really happened but it was the only thing that had given me some hope over the years.

A few years after that, I met my amazing husband and he was already a father to two incredible kids. Within about 3 months of meeting, we were married and I was pregnant. Enter my super shocked pikachu face.

Nine months later, a baby girl came out - I WAS SHOCKED... My entire pregnancy, I assumed this would be the boy that God had told me about. I had forgotten the part about having children, I was truly just focused on the "boy named T" part.

E was (still is) an amazing addition to our family. I enjoy every part of being her mama. My heart still longed for that long promised child though. So my husband and I talked and before I knew it, I was pregnant again. Unfortunately, we lost that precious baby within a few days of the positive test, so it was a bit hard on me to think about pregnancy... a few months later, I felt ready to try again and began earnestly praying for God to fulfill His promise to me.

We opted to find out the gender midway through the pregnancy and when the tech told us the baby was indeed a boy, I sobbed. The fruition of the promise, the faithfulness, the fact that I had not been forgotten all these years later, was overwhelming.

I spent the remainder of my pregnancy praying for the sweet baby in my womb, and truthfully just hoping he would survive to delivery.

A mostly uneventful delivery did happen in late December during the covid-19 years.... and this brings us almost to the present.

About three years ago, I started noticing some interesting behaviours. I would call my mom (who had raised 6 kids and was working in special education) and asked her about what I was noticing. I brought it up to our pediatrician and they said "let's wait and see." 
After a year of monitoring and watching and making note of every habit that seemed off, I met with the pediatrician again and she agreed "let's get him tested for autism."

Honestly? That terrified me... because the only thing more scary to me than a failed pregnancy is a special needs baby.

We went and had hours of assessments and skills observations and evaluations and finally received our answer: autism. anxiety. speech delays. social skill delays. It was quite the book to go through.

We quickly established speech therapy, though I had been through this with our daughter, E. That wasn't scary. I could walk through speech delays. Our beloved speech therapist mentioned to me in a session one day that T was holding his pencil wrong - and she encouraged me to get him evaluated for occupational therapy as well.

This brings us to this year. T is in OT and Speech. He is on the waitlist for ABA evals. He is starting school.. and every day brings new challenges.

The thing no one ever told me while I was walking this? How I would learn so much about myself while advocating for him. 

That's what this journal is about. Being the Mama he needs while learning who I am in the process.

It's messy and raw, but it's real.

I'd love to have you come along.